Patterns that shape connection.
You would love a weekend away. Do you suggest a destination and start making plans? Wait to see what would suit everyone else? Or quietly imagine your ideal escape, hoping someone will ask?
We can want similar things—connection, support, freedom, a little time for ourselves—and go about seeking them quite differently.
Sometimes we ask directly. Sometimes we try to earn what we need by being helpful or responsible. Sometimes we turn inward, finding ways to manage on our own.
These approaches can become so familiar that we barely notice them. Yet they influence whose preferences are heard, who takes responsibility, and how much room each person feels they have in a relationship.
The wish beneath the strategy
“How do I get what I want?” can sound a little self-serving. But the wish underneath may be quite tender: I want to matter. I want to feel supported. I want a say. I want space to be myself.
The Enneagram describes three broad interaction styles: assertive, compliant and withdrawn. Known as the Hornevian styles, they draw on psychiatrist Karen Horney’s work on moving towards, against and away from people. You don’t need to know your Enneagram type to recognise these movements in everyday life.
Each approach has something valuable to offer. The difficulty comes when it becomes automatic and we struggle to respond any other way.
Taking initiative: “I’ll make it happen.”
The assertive approach moves towards what it wants with energy and intention. There may be a strong wish to create possibilities, make a contribution, protect what matters or maintain freedom of choice.
In healthy expression, this brings initiative and clarity. Someone is willing to name a preference, make an invitation or address something that needs attention.
“I’d really like some time together this weekend. How would you feel about going away?”
There is something helpful about knowing where another person stands. You have a clear invitation to respond to.
When this approach becomes unconscious or fixed, however, the pace can leave other people behind. Asking becomes persuading. Taking initiative becomes taking over. A different preference can feel like an obstacle to work around.
“I’ve already booked it. You never organise anything, so I’ve done it.”
The wish for connection may be sincere, while the impact is that the other person feels overlooked.
The practice here is to make room for a response before moving ahead. That may mean tolerating uncertainty, slowing down, or allowing someone else to influence the plan.
Can I be clear about what I want and remain interested in your answer—even if it’s no?
Meeting expectations: “I’ll do my part.”
The compliant or dutiful approach seeks to meet needs through care, responsibility and doing what feels right. Its positive motivation may be to contribute, sustain trust, honour commitments or feel connected and valued.
“Compliant” can be a misleading word. Someone may be following a strong internal standard rather than another person’s wishes. They may disagree quite firmly because they believe a responsibility or agreement matters.
In healthy expression, this approach brings reliability and thoughtful cooperation.
“We said we’d visit your parents, and I’d like to honour that. Could we also set aside some time for ourselves?”
Care for others and care for oneself are both present.
When the pattern becomes fixed, duty can crowd out preference. We may say yes before checking our capacity, do more than we want to, or assume that being considerate will lead others to respond in kind.
Then an unspoken agreement begins to form: If I look after you, you will notice what I need.
When that doesn’t happen, resentment may follow.
“I shouldn’t have to ask.”
Sometimes there really is an unfair distribution of responsibility that needs addressing. Being clearer about our needs does not mean accepting that everything is ours to organise.
It can begin with: “I’ve been taking this on, but it’s become too much. We need to agree on how to share it.”
The practice is to include ourselves in the care we offer, and to make expectations visible.
Am I choosing this freely? Have I said what I need, or am I hoping my effort will speak for me?
Taking space: “Let me find my own response.”
The withdrawn approach turns inward. Its positive motivation may be to understand an experience, preserve independence, stay true to an inner sense of self or find some steadiness amid other people’s demands.
Sometimes getting what we want takes the form of creating a private space where we can think, feel or imagine without interruption. We may rely on ourselves rather than risk asking for something another person might not understand.
In healthy expression, this brings reflection, creativity and respect for personal space.
“I’d like a little time to think about what I have the energy for. Can we decide after dinner?”
That pause allows a considered answer.
When the pattern becomes fixed, however, reflection can turn into non-participation. We may retreat into our thoughts, familiar comforts or imagined possibilities while our actual preferences remain unspoken.
The other person hears “I don’t know” or “Whatever you like”, even though something quite different is happening inside.
We may feel overlooked without realising how little of ourselves we have made available.
The practice is to bring a little of that inner experience into the relationship.
“I’m tired and would prefer a quiet Saturday. I’d enjoy doing something together on Sunday.”
We can honour our own pace and still participate.
What do I already know about what I want—and could I share that much, even if I don’t have the whole answer?
How these patterns meet in relationship
Imagine two people planning a weekend.
One quickly suggests a destination, checks accommodation and begins organising. The other wants time to consider the cost, their energy and what they would enjoy.
The first may think, “Why do I always have to make everything happen?”
The second may think, “Why is there never room for me to decide?”
Each person’s response can strengthen the other’s habit. More pressure invites more retreat. More retreat invites more taking over.
Or perhaps one person readily expresses preferences while the other takes pride in being flexible and helpful. Plans appear to come together easily—until the person who keeps accommodating begins to feel invisible.
These are possible patterns to explore, not conclusions to draw about someone else. Asking can reveal something we haven’t considered.
“What would you choose if you weren’t trying to make this easy for me?”
“Would you like me to organise this, or would you prefer that we decide together?”
“I realise I’ve been saying yes without checking what I actually want.”
A shared decision becomes easier when both people’s preferences are available. Understanding a pattern can help us take responsibility for our part and negotiate something fairer.
And what happens when we don’t get what we want?
That is a related but different question.
Our interaction style describes how we pursue a need. Our conflict style describes how we respond to disappointment when that need goes unmet. We might become methodical and focus on solutions, move away from discomfort through reassurance or positivity, or react with strong emotion and a wish to be understood.
Someone who confidently takes initiative may still avoid a difficult conversation. Someone who usually steps back may respond intensely when something important feels threatened.
I explore this second part in more depth in my article on conflict styles: What happens when I dont get what I want.
Making room for a different response
For me, the value of recognising these patterns lies in what becomes possible once we notice them.
Perhaps you feel yourself leaning forward, ready to take over. Perhaps a yes leaves your mouth before you notice the heaviness in your body. Perhaps you drift into your thoughts while someone waits for an answer.
You might pause and ask:
- What am I wanting right now?
- What am I doing to try to get it?
- Have I made my preference clear?
- Is there room here for both of us?
If it feels supportive, notice your feet on the floor and give yourself a moment before replying.
You may discover that you need to ask directly. Or that you can listen without immediately steering. Or that you have a preference worth sharing, even if it differs from someone else’s.
We all benefit from being able to take initiative, cooperate and step back to reflect. With practice, these become choices we can draw on.
And sometimes the next step is a small, honest sentence:
“I’ve realised I do have a preference. Can I share it with you?”
About the ideas behind this article: Karen Horney described these interpersonal movements in Our Inner Conflicts (https://books.google.com/books/about/Our_Inner_Conflicts.html?id=kfMew5cFAJsC) (1945). Don Riso’s Enneagram formulations, developed with Russ Hudson, include the Hornevian groups; their book The Wisdom of the Enneagram (https://www.penguin.com.au/books/the-wisdom-of-the-enneagram-9780553378207) (1999) explores these social styles. David Daniels (https://drdaviddaniels.com/the-enneagram-triads/) and Jerome Wagner (https://people.clas.ufl.edu/bjparis/ikhs/essays/wagner-enneagram/) offer further perspectives on their healthy capacities and the value of flexibility.
For readers familiar with the Enneagram: the assertive group includes Types 3, 7 and 8; the compliant group, Types 1, 2 and 6; and the withdrawn group, Types 4, 5 and 9.
Sometimes we know what we “should” want, yet find it difficult to recognise or express what feels true for us. A somatic therapy session offers space to slow down and listen to the body - gently noticing the sensations, emotions and protective patterns that shape how you ask, accommodate or withdraw. If you’re curious about understanding your preferences, needs and boundaries more deeply, I invite you to book a session with me.